Chances & Mistakes
by Sexy.Lil.Emo
Summary: Their five year mission is over and Kirk is sure that Spock shares his feelings until he kisses the Vulcan and he leaves Jim heartbroken. Months later Spock shows up at Kirk's door, but why? TOS Spirk M/M


Hey guys, so instead of writing more of the huge fic I've been working on I decided to write this little fic (which will possibly have a sequel but don't hold me to it!). I've been thinking a lot about my headcanon for how TOS Jim and Spock got together and yeh here is a fic for it lol. anyway, hope you enjoy..much love xox\

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It had been months since their five year mission had come to an end.

Months since Kirk had been grounded at Starfleet on Earth.

Months since he had kissed his First Officer.

Months since Spock had left to undergo kolinahr on Vulcan.

Jim had thought that now their five year mission was over that he and Spock could finally stop dancing around each other and perhaps they could... Be together?

It had been running circles in his mind for all these long months since it had happened. He had been certain Spock felt the same, the Vulcan had always claimed to have no emotions but Kirk was his best friend and Captain, he knew him best and he knew Spock felt.

So Jim had kissed him one night once they were back on Earth. They had played a fantastic game of chess (Jim won) at Kirk's apartment and he had been showing Spock one of the old films he loved to watch. It had felt right. The look on Spock's face however, broke Jim's heart.

Spock had seemed horrified, uncertain, disgusted and almost angry. He had immediately jumped up, announced he had to leave and swiftly exited the apartment. Leaving a rejected Jim calling after him down the hall.

The very next morning Jim had found out that Spock was on a ship to Vulcan.

Bones had been there that very evening to drown Jim in hard booze and hold his friend while he broke down over the Vulcan he'd spent five years falling in love with.

But that was months ago.

Bones told him he needed to move on with his life because (he hated to say it) Spock wasn't coming back.

If only it were so simple. He knew they had had something special and he just couldn't understand why Spock had rejected him so harshly. He would sit for hours and ponder about it, Jim could recall numerous times that he and Spock had had a 'moment', surely his feelings weren't one sided. He even tried to reach out to Spock's mind; they had mind melded multiple times before, it was worth a try. To no avail though.

Finally, Bones had had enough.

"I will not watch you waste your life pining over that hobgoblin. I'm setting you up with a nice lady; who is very excited to meet you. You will meet her tonight at the 'Delta Bar' at eight o'clock. Do not be late."

Kirk had protested but Bones put his foot down and so he put on some fancy-casual clothes, went to the bar and met with "Cassidelia but you can call me Cassie."

They spent a pleasant evening together; dancing and drinking and chatting. It wasn't enough to make him forget Spock though and so when she asked him in for a nightcap for walking her home, he politely declined.

Jim strolled home; occasionally he gazed up at the stars, and longed to be back up there with Spock by his side. He missed the Vulcan terribly.

Kirk stopped a few doors up from his own and looked up to find a well-dressed Vulcan holding a bouquet of delicate flowers in his hands in front of his door.

"Spock!" he cried. He was so overjoyed to see his friend that he almost hugged him.

"Jim." Spock replied softly, the slightest of smiles tugged at the corners of his mouth.

"You're back! Would you like to come in?" Kirk offered, he tried for causal but he was too thrilled to have the Vulcan here in front of him. He unlocked the door to his apartment and beckoned Spock to follow.

"That would be ideal, thank you." Spock trailed after Jim into his apartment; he made a mental note that it was not as well kept as when he had been there last. Pizza box on the bench, dishes in the sink, crumbled uniform on the floor and two empty bottles of Earth alcohol he identified as Tequila.

Once the door was closed Jim spoke "would you like a drink?"

Spock shook his head "no thank you." now he was here he seemed unsure of what to do.

Jim picked up an awkward vibe from Spock and so he tried to make conversation "what brings you here so late?"

"Jim... I owe you an apology and an explanation." he moved closer to his Captain and offered the bouquet of flowers "I have been told that you give flowers to one you hold dear."

There was a tear threatening to spill out of the corner of Kirk's eye as he accepted the flowers and inspected them closer, a watery smile adorned his face. Jim filled a glass with water and put the stems in "they're beautiful."

"I must apologize for my behaviour. It has taken me a long time to see I made a terrible mistake. I am not accustomed to making them and therefore I thought what I was doing was right." Spock began and then he paused for a moment.

Jim was giving him all his attention; this would hopefully give him the answers he needed. "Please continue."

"When you kissed me, I was admittedly unprepared and I reacted as any Vulcan would when faced with an emotional situation. I pushed it away and ran from it, I hid all that I felt because it was not the Vulcan way. I had been considering engaging in the Vulcan ritual of 'Kolinahr' to purge all emotion and take my place on Vulcan for some time as I was aware my human half had grown during our five year mission. Emotions had begun to rise and I could no longer deny them; it was very un-Vulcan like and so I felt the kolinahr was the right way to re-centre myself as a Vulcan." Spock's eyes never left Kirk as he spoke.

And Jim's attention never left Spock "So what you're saying is that you freaked out when I kissed you because it was too emotional for a Vulcan so you decided to leave without a word and undertake a ritual to purge all your emotions?" He thought he saw shame and regret in Spock's eyes but he wasn't sure.

"I apologize Jim, before the ritual was to be finalized I met with my mother, as a human she helped me more than kolinahr ever could. She helped me to understand myself better and I am trying to accept who I am as a Vulcan who is half human. I have realised now that it was a selfish act to leave and that I have hurt you. For this I am truly sorry."

Spock was being so calm but Jim felt like a hurricane of emotion inside "You broke my heart, Spock. Five years we spent together, building something that I thought was ready to evolve beyond our friendship. I thought I knew you, I thought you felt the same way. I was wrong." Spock's explanation wasn't making him feel better at all.

Something changed in Spock's eyes as Jim spoke, he let his shields down slightly and felt the pain he had caused his friend "I am not doing a good job of explaining, I'm sorry, this is new and difficult for me, please believe that I am trying."

"You don't feel the same way and you overreacted and then your mother helped you realise how much of a computer you are that you couldn't see what was right in front of you." Jim was no longer feeling thrilled, it was almost worse than not knowing. "I get it." he sighed.

"No Jim, you do not understand. While I was preparing for the ritual I heard your voice, it was distant and I could not quite make out the words but I felt your suffering and longing. This should not have been able to happen as we were so far away and had no official bonding. It was one of the reasons I consulted my mother. She informed me that to still be so connected to someone without a bond they had to be special. There is a word in Vulcan; T'hy'la. It means brother, friend and lover." Spock tried to explain, it was still so new to him, but he needed Jim to understand and he could see by the look on Kirk's face that he was not doing it right.

Now he was confused, Vulcan's were hopeless when it came to actual important matters like this "What are you telling me?"

"Meld with me, Jim." it was his last hope to make Jim understand. He still had so much to learn about human emotions, but he discovered that he wished to learn about them with Jim.

Kirk was reluctant "Spock, I don't think you want to know what is going on in my head."

"But I need you to know what is going on in mine, because I am quite obviously doing a terrible job of informing you. I am afraid that if I leave without you understanding then it may be too late." He had noted that Jim was dressed somewhat nicely and smelt of alcohol; he had likely been out at a bar or club.

Jim just nodded, he may be upset with Spock right now, but he would still do anything for him.

"Thank you." Spock placed his fingers to the meld points on Jim's head and discovered that he did not even need to speak the words; their minds were already linked so strongly. A whirlwind of emotions hit Spock and he realised his cheeks were wet; he was crying. The emotions did not belong to him however they were Jim's and the knowledge of that made the tears flow down his cheeks in rivers. He had hurt Jim more than he knew. Once he regained control of himself he guided Jim's mind to find his own emotions, to see and feel the way Jim made him feel, why he was so scared to acknowledge it all those months ago. He opened Jim's mind to the knowledge of T'hy'la and left himself bare for Jim emotionally, exposing the truth he had come to terms with.

Spock's mind guided Jim's in the meld, and what Jim felt from the Vulcan was so unexpected he began to cry soundlessly. Spock's emotions were so strong and pure and they all screamed of a deep love for one James Kirk. The pain and hurt started to clear like clouds after a storm and in return he showed Spock the undying love he had for the Vulcan.

Jim was unsure how long they stood there together as one but he revelled in what Spock was sharing with him and he knew why it had been so difficult for Spock to explain, because how could you explain something that was intertwined with the core of your existence when you had never allowed yourself to acknowledge it before.

"Love." He whispered "I think I understand now, Spock." Jim thought he said it out loud but he heard it in their minds.

The last thing Jim felt before the meld ended was happiness and then he was alone in his mind again and it felt as though he was missing half of himself, as if having Spock in his mind had filled a void he never knew was there.

Then he noticed the wetness on Spock's cheeks "Are you crying?" He wanted to wipe the tears away but he was still unclear as to whether he should touch the Vulcan or not.

Spock took a deep breath and collected himself "I felt your pain and heartache, I promise you James Kirk, I will never hurt you in such a way again."

"What are you saying Spock?" Jim hoped that this was the moment he had been waiting for since their five year mission ended.

"I believe you now understand my feelings toward you, and I find I am quite eager to try that kiss again if you are agreeable." Spock answered, he hoped that for now his display had been enough and Jim would be patient with him as he learned to verbalize and demonstrate his emotions.

A spark ignited in Jim, he cupped Spock's cheek and kissed the Vulcan thoroughly. They stood in Kirk's living room, their mouths expressed all the things that had never been said as they kissed. The first two fingers of Spock's right hand found the same two on Jim's left hand and rubbed against them in a Vulcan kiss.

Jim had kissed many people in his life; men, women, alien, human but no one made him feel the way Spock did.

Spock calculated that Jim certainly needed to breath by now and gently pulled away, he knew his cheeks and lips were glowing green and he let them. He felt things he had never felt before with someone else and he knew he needed to show Jim just how the human affected him.

"Would…would you like to stay?" Jim asked.

Spock's eyebrows raised and it was such a familiar expression that Jim had to laugh "I'm not suggesting that, I just meant, well, I mean if you want to…I like to cuddle…"

Not that Jim wouldn't jump at the chance to get up close and personal with every inch of Spock's body, but there would be time for that later, tonight was the beginning of something special.

"Oh, I see. As it is something you enjoy, I will stay to cuddle." Spock agreed.

"The bedroom is this way." Kirk stripped to his briefs and under shirt as they approached the bed. He could feel Spock's gaze on him, it made him smirk. He climbed into bed and patted the mattress next to him to indicate that Spock should join him. The Vulcan removed his dress shirt to reveal an under shirt also, he folded up the item of clothing and put it on the bedside table then laid down on his back next to Jim, he seemed unsure of how to proceed.

"Are you okay?" Jim asked.

Spock nodded "Yes, but I admit I have no experience in this area, I have never shared a bed with another person."

Jim smiled "That's alright, you just stay like that and I will-" He curled into Spock's side, his head came to rest on the firm Vulcan chest as he draped an arm over Spock's torso "and then you lay your arms-" Spock's arms wrapped around him "like that."

"This is quite pleasant." Spock commented after a few moments.

Jim smiled into his chest "I love you." He whispered sleepily.

Spock tensed under him but quickly relaxed "And I you." He brushed his fingers over the meld points on Jim's forehead and through his hair "Sleep now, Jim."

And Jim slept better than he had in months.


End file.
